wildangel_83

Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday so blue
Happy birthday dear true blue
Happy birthday lost shoe...

-written with one shoe left-

Making this an annual season of celebration makes it painfully vivid. Almost each time this year this feeling somewhat sips in...

Over the past year, I think I managed to slip through once or twice, but this time it's hit me so hard I lost my mind. I cried bitterly one night... I screamed silently and struggled to suck myself into Dreamland.

I feel alone as I blow off these candles once more...

-written alone-

23 February, I started my journey here at Pavilion Kuala Lumpur. Below are some photos of the event setup which was most vivid in my life here at Pavilion.



( And so it begins like this... )

-written over old old photos-

I am changing
At least that's what everyone is telling me...
I am changing to become someone I fear most of
And I am becoming someone I know not of
In the mirror, I am tripple of what I used to be
Just three months ago...

I am changing...

-written at the start of a strict diet-

Thank you for letting me know that I am in loneliness
Thank you for all the people you've been ushering to me
Thank you for encouraging me endlessly, telling me to let go and move forward
Thank you for making it sound so easy
Thank you for bringing them here
Thank you for rubbing it in
Thank you for burning
Thank you all

If things were that easy
Even then
I think I'd light a fire and burn a building
Or jump into a flowing river without thinking

Perhaps it'd be easier for you to tell me that you've stopped your bad habits
Or ripped your head apart and tear your brains because you had bad thoughts
Perhas you could make it all sound so pleasurable

By saying that I should let go and seek for pleasure
By shaking me up with truths that I've almost forgotten
By making me believe that the other side's greener than what's beneath my feet
Means... nothing.

I want support
Not thoughts.

-written after long thoughts of how many has given opinions-

I was shocked to be invited as guest and judge over the phone to attend LV's Annual Dinner this year. Nonetheless I lended out a helping hand in designing the backdrop and being the judge for the night. It was fun though not as crazy as what it was last year...



Felt a little out for not dressing up though...



Rocking fun with my ex-colleagues...



Everything came to life! Zorro, Prince of Egypt, Knaruto, Predator, The Mask...



Old Cinderella, Cross-dressed Cruella, Anna from Anna and The King, Vendetta, Zorro, Legolas and Chun Li won consolation prices for best dress while The Mask, Queen Armidalla were the runner-ups. Predator rocked the night!



Top three winners and the judges.



Some of the ones whom I miss...



And the ones whom I really really miss hanging out and gossiping with...
Michelle, my "instant-messaging" kaki, Joanne, my k-kaki, Emilia my, oldest old old colleague from the MNG days...



Hmmmmmmmm....... I miss the KLCC team...

-written in motion-

We were once enemies...
Then we worked together...



We used to hang out together..
Sometimes we just lazed freely...
There were also moments we quarreled...
There were times of silence...


 

But most of the time we smiled a lot together...
Weekends of simple pleasures...
Vacations filled with things that mattered...



We used to do so much together...
Just very recently, I have been thinking things through...

-written in the verge of reoccuring memories-

I miss him... I miss him so much...

The last we met, we missed our last kiss, we missed our hug, and we missed our last gaze... It all had to happen in a hot and busy mall parking. Perhaps this is what things really are in real life. No goodbye kisses, no farewell gazes...

Yesterday, we were both drawn further once again. 6 30am rang in a shocking tone delivering a message confirming our parting. On the truck he went, onto the car I drifted; just to draw ourselves even further that morning... 

At almost near midnight, I realized an unread text message that's been lingering in my mobile. Within the darkness, my mobile phone pasted the last words,

"They took my phone. I won't be able to message or call you.
I am doing fine here. Once they let me out, I will try to get a cheap phone so that I can contact you, ok?
Don't reply.
I love you, boy..."

I broke down blaming myself for allowing this to happen. I blame myself for allowing what is thought to be a dream come true, I blame myself for not pasting a clear picture of how painful this parting would be.

Till we next meet again, that could be more than a year later...

-written with a broken heart-

"通常愿意留下来跟你争吵的人
才是真正爱你的人"
Many of times we often quarrel. Some people say it helps create greater understanding, some people think it might just alter the direction of the relationship.

I recall the last afternoon when we went out together... It had to happen, only for me to know how much we loved...


"冷漠　有时候并不是无情
只是一种避免被伤害的工具"
We could have walked away that afternoon, but in the end, we got through it with less friction.

-written after an email inspiration-

I am now finally employed.

I worked 12 hours yesterday... and it doesn't seem beautiful today either.

Man, I love my job~!

-written happily- 

Tomorrow is my last half of a a day, today is my last full of a day.
Today I will take half of a step out of these doors, tomorrow I will step completely out of this agony.

Make all these worth for me please.... by crying and sobbing at least.
Be it caused by missing me too much, or losing someone you need...
Be it all because of your incompetence of organizing your employees, or just because you'd wanna beg me to do work for you...
Cos no one, I repeat, no one will be able to be like me.

I hope you tear blood and weep thorns at my absence,
For then I shall rest and laugh upon your stupidity.

Yours Sincerely.

There's a saying in the Chinese books
A leopard dies and leaves its spots
A man dies and endorses his hot looks
Perhaps it's mean to be that you take the odds...

Let is be that you were only a black cat
But in heaven you're probably the most beloved
Be it your gentle hisses that never matched
Or naughty claws that made things scatter

No, it wasn't your fault that a wheel had to run you over
Neither was it the wheel's purpose for making you suffer
What is left to say is that all this is a accidental cover
To once again feel the lost for the true loving owner...

-written for Hong's black cat in heaven-

[17:19] kerk:
Hey Mister, who once a stranger on a wednesday night last september
Something has developed when we are together
Your arm around me
My head on your shoulder
Ginvera.... Ginvera...我只愛Ginvera

-written rolling on the floor-

Was chatting with beyondandwithin</lj>  earlier today... Got inspired all of a sudden...

***
Like a grain of sand lost between the sofa seats, you found me...
Painfully irritating

Like a slut in a whore house u sought me out...
Deeply needed but painfully expansive

I ask not of your compassion
I ask not of your obsessions
All I seek is your sight to fall upon me
All I ask for is your true generousity
A kind heart to bring me up
A kind spirit to fill my cup

I might just be a beggar at these lovers' back-lanes
Or might be just that typical Asiatic face for all white men to ease their strain
But Deep down in your pockets of emptiness...
I find fullness in running through them...

***

And of course this is a filtered version... the raw was rather... daunting...

***
[16:53] kerk: can u write me a poem
[16:53] kerk: and i give it to him
[16:53] kerk: pretend that i wrote it myself
[16:55] Bin:like a grain of sand lost between the sofa seats, you found me...
[16:55] Bin: painfully irritating
[16:55] kerk: LOl!!!
[16:55] Bin: like a slut in a whore house u sought me out...
[16:56] kerk: u sure this will work?
[16:56] Bin: deeply needed but painfully expansive
[16:56] kerk: LOL
[16:56] Bin: i ask not of your compassion
[16:56] Bin: i ask not of your obsessions
[16:56] Bin: all i seek is your sight to fall upon me
[16:56] kerk: i seek your financial
[16:56] Bin: *wait i m coming to that ok!
[16:57] kerk: ok
[16:57] Bin: all i ask for is your true generousity
[16:57] Bin: a kind heart to bring me up
[16:57] Bin: a kind spirit to fill my cup
[16:57] kerk: rescue me from all these miseries
[16:58] kerk: CMYK , RGB and black and white
[16:58] Bin: I might just be a beggar at these lovers' back-lanes
[16:58] kerk: a credit card for present , I will never blame
[16:58] Bin: Or might be just that typical Asiatic face all white men eases their strain
[16:59] Bin: but Deep down in your pockets of emptiness...
[16:59] kerk: is asiatic a real word?
[16:59] kerk: lol
[16:59] Bin: i find fullness in running through them...
[16:59] Bin: no la..
[16:59] Bin: an accent
[16:59] kerk: oh ok
[16:59] kerk: cannot..
[16:59] Bin: i dun think it's a word
[16:59] kerk: with J
[16:59] kerk: u got to be reallllllyyyyyyyy formal
[16:59] kerk: or else he wont get it
[17:00] Bin: try to regroup what i wrote again
[17:00] Bin: and see if it works...
[17:00] Bin: there r 2 meanings to what i said..
[17:00] Bin: 2 angles to look at it..
[17:00] kerk: gosh
[17:00] kerk: so complicated
[17:00] kerk: so not me la
[17:00] Bin: try thinking of love ., pure love...
[17:00] kerk: more like u!
[17:00] kerk: i am very simple one
[17:00] kerk: like mentally retarded
[17:00] Bin: then look at it in a money, love, hate relationship way...

I suddenly miss that freezing wind that ran through my hair...

having ice cream and chocolate and all kinds of sweets in a cold hard chair...

wearing that cheap biker jacket that kept my skin fair...

I just miss that Aussie air...

-written in my sweaty office-

Got my bonus

Ditched my current

Slamming into a brand new year

-written laughing out loud-

4 30pm, 22 January 2009.

After a simple meeting, I tendered my resignation.

***

I feel free like a dove today.

-written in the air-

Call me whatever you want! I am LEAVING!

I am leaving when my bonus is released! So who cares if I do it RIGHT OR NOT!

It's only been a couple of days actually, but the past week dragged on like it would never see daylight. Barely a scar, the wound is now still fresh and showing no sign of healing. Why does time pass so slowly. This pain, that scorches and drills is never coming to an end...

And yet, Faliq has only left for 4 days...

-written after a lonely weekend-